Navigating the Silence and the Noise

Grief is weird. Four years ago today, it hit me like a ton of bricks when Mother Dear passed away. It’s this heavy thing, sitting on your chest, and some days, it just won’t let up. Yet, somehow, even though you’re in this space, life keeps moving, and you along with it.

Mother Dear wasn’t just my adoptive mom. She was this incredibly complex, beautifully layered woman who took on the world and me – with all my complexities – in stride. When I was in prison, she was fighting her own battle with cancer. Still, she’d endure the strain of dialysis, then make the long ride to Forrest City just to sit with me. It eats at me, knowing I put her through that.

Now, every anniversary of her passing, I’m confronted with this mix of heavy sadness and guilt but something else too – gratitude. Because in the midst of the pain, there’s a kind of beauty. I have more moments of laughter than tears these days.

In the cold start of 2019, I was still in prison, and all I wanted was for Momma to be there when I got out. I asked her to wait for me, and she promised she would. Fast forward to March of the same year, and I walked out a free man (more on that story later)- and true to her word, Momma was there, waiting. So, as much as today is a reminder of the grief, it's also a reminder of promises kept and unbroken bonds. It's evidence that even in the silence left by her absence, there's a noise - a loud, resonating echo of the love and strength she instilled in me.

Now, when the grief gets too loud, when the silence is too stark, I remember that day in March. The sunshine, the freedom, but most of all, Mother Dear, standing there - as steadfast and resilient as ever. Mother Dear proved to me that love doesn’t recognize the barriers of prison walls or the finality of death. It’s persistent. It’s noise amidst the silence.

This grief, it's a journey, not a destination. And every step is a dance between the echoes of loss and the resonating sound of love that never really leaves. Every silence is filled with the noise of her laughter, her wisdom, her love.

This is my journey through the silence and the noise. I’m inviting you to walk this path with me, where every echo of grief is met with the louder, more persistent noise of love and grace. ✨ #RememberingMotherDear #TheViewFromExile